Regrets, I’ve Had A Few
My Environment Growing Up
Overall, the environment I grew up in “back in the day”, being an only child, was wonderful, but it didn’t come without its challenges. Namely a father whose genetics, DNA, and heredity were passed down to me. And, of course, being that only child, I was the focus of my father’s eye. In other words, there was no hiding, no ability to get away, or escape. He could devote his full attention to me and believe you me he did just that.
Dad was a classic “Type A”. He was a high achieving individual who was very competitive, extremely impatient, controlling, overly aggressive, filled with hostility, and could be volatile. In other words, he was a perfectionist who refused to accept any standard short of perfection with the tendency to place unrealistic demands on himself and others–namely me! In reality, life, at times, could be miserable as you could imagine. What made matters even more worse was I inherited those same traits which made our ability to have an extremely positive relationship nearly impossible.
Growing up, no matter how hard I tried to please him, I seemingly always failed which led to my having extremely low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence. My defense mechanism in order to survive was just to acquiesce and cope by acting as if my self-esteem was fine and I had no lack of self-confidence. In turn, with my peers, I could come off as being extremely cocky, sarcastic, and irritatingly blunt in order to mask what was really going on.
I loved my father very much and always had a great deal of respect for him and his accomplishments. The opportunity and regret laid with the fact that we really never could relate and enjoy a relationship which unfortunately was always somewhat awkward as we were so much alike.
My Devil Within
Why is it, that often times, we hurt those we love most. I’m a man who is human and suffers human frailties and who suffers from a tremendous weakness–I’m a verbal abuser–it’s my devil within. Believe you me, it’s something I’m not at all proud of–who would be or should be–instead I’m extremely ashamed of my behavior.
Oh, yes, I’ve gotten much better over the past twenty or so years, but that’s not an excuse for my behavior over all the years. I’m my father’s son and critical of everyone and everything possessing an extremely “short fuse” which explodes in a moment’s notice. My outburst takes no prisoners, it is quick, no more than 10 seconds, but it’s piercing, nasty, terribly blunt, and hurtful. I regret each and every time it occurs, but the damage is done and it’s irreversible.
The recipients of my outbursts were my wife, La Bear, our son, The King, and our daughter, Baby Bear, while they were growing up. Now, the few times it’s triggered “La Bear” is the unfortunate recipient. “Back in the day”, there was a movie starring Robert Duvall, “The Great Santini”–I was Santini–a “control freak” who was simply out of control.
The King shudders at the thought, but realizes, that he and I are exactly the same, and experiencing a rather similar relationship, as that of my father and me. Heredity, in this case, is our enemy and he, too, suffers from many of the same human frailties. Because of this, he received the lion’s share of my verbal abuse aimed at our children, and I’m certain it’s taken its toll. He claims “no”, but I’m certain he holds some resentment towards me and rightly so. He loves me and respects me, but our relationship is also somewhat awkward at times.
Baby Bear was the smart one growing up as she knew, for the most part, how to escape my wrath. She was very observant and could “play me” with her sweet demeanor knowing not only what to say, but when to say it. Fortunately for her, we’re very different in our personalities and make up as she has always remained a very happy person with a “lust for life”. Realizing and knowing when the “trigger” was about to be pulled, she knew how to stay out of my “sights”.
La Bear is the love of my life, but you might find that hard to believe based off of all the verbal abuse she has endured over the years. It’s difficult to admit how verbally abusive I’ve been towards her and the negative effects it’s had on her throughout our marriage and why in the world she has stuck it out with me I just don’t know. She’s certainly proven her resiliency and strength and ability to cope and keep our family together during the most strenuous of times. My wife has a wonderful personality and has always been extremely positive no matter the circumstances–her cup is definitely “half full”–she’s never met a stranger and everyone she comes into contact with simply adores her. She has this uncanny ability to be objective and put everything in perspective, love unconditionally, with her only goal being to have a happy family. I’m so fortunate to have her as my life’s partner as we don’t only love one another, but we like each other, and are best buddies in spite of me. As the band the Spiral Staircase sang back in 1969 in their hit, “More Today Than Yesterday”, it describes my feelings for La Bear the lady I’m still so very much “in” love with, “I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow”. I couldn’t continue to experience life without her always by my side.
There are no perfect people, we are all human, and we suffer from human frailties just as there is no perfect family as each functional family still suffers from a certain amount of dysfunction. With the regrets, which I’ve had a few, I’m so very fortunate to still have my family with my family being most important to me realizing, in getting older, I’m not in control, and I no longer take anything for granted as tomorrow is never promised.